Put in my place...

So, a little backstory here to set the scene. I hope this makes sense...because I find it a bit hard to explain.

I had high hopes of doing medicine in Obunga. That was my idea from the beginning. That is what I told all of you! And so, I struggled a bit the first days of this trip as I sat in the sun and played with the children. The photographers were completing their mission, using their skills to help. Well, I had skills too! And I wanted to get started doing MY thing. I wanted to see the sick, help heal them, make a difference in their lives. And so I struggled just talking to the children. I felt like there was so much more that I could be doing. I could be MAKING a difference. I could be USING my skills.

And God took my thoughts and convicted me mightily. I felt like He slammed me to the ground and broke me to pieces. He HUMBLED me over and over and over again. I felt like He kept telling me, "Who do you think you are to call the shots? What are your skills to me? Who gave you those skills? Who gave you the mind and the knowledge to be the doctor that you are? Can you really heal better than ME?" He made it very clear that He did not NEED my doctoring skills at all. He was the Great Physician and the Great I Am. He could heal anything that needed healing. His skills and His power are far greater than mine. And so He reminded me that He had brought me to this place...for HIS purpose. And He would tell me what to do and when to do it. And I would be wise to obey His direction...

And oh how I fought Him! "Really God? You just want me to talk to the kids? You just want me to sit here so they can stare all day? But I can be curing their diseases. I can heal their bodies... This sitting and doing nothing does not seem productive, does not seem like the best use of my skills..."

And so He reminded me again that He had a plan for them and for me. And what a perfect plan it was. He showed me so much about how I approach the world. I had asked Him to take me to a place where I would need to rely on Him. In my head, that meant a non-Spanish speaking place where I would have to rely on Him.

But Our Lord knows what we need so much better than our best plans. And so He answered my prayer just as I asked...but in a completely different way than I ever imagined. Instead of the language and communication, He took away my medicine.

And I was lost without it. I realized how much I rely on that for my identity, for the structure of my world. I am a doctor. I love to heal. That is who I am. And when I am in an upsetting or chaotic situation...when I am confronted by the world's brokenness and pain, I have a way to fight back. Because I have the knowledge to heal bodies and to mend hurts. I realized in Africa that this skill is also a crutch. Because in a chaotic situation, I can use my medicine to right a few wrongs - to fight back against the brokenness or the pain that I see. My identity is tied up in medicine. And with that skillset, I am able to exert a small semblance of control over my environment and the things that I see.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that it is bad that I am a doctor. I'm not even saying it is bad that it is a huge PART of who I am. But God showed me that I use it to try and regain control in out of control situations. When He took it away from me the first week of the trip, I felt like I was falling. I felt VERY out of sorts with my environment. I felt almost useless. I was nothing without my medicine. And so I realized that I also find value in that. I derive value for myself in who I am, in my capabilities as a doctor, and the good that I can do through that.

But the fact that I use that to derive value is not a good thing. My value comes through Christ alone! I have value because He made me. Period. And the good I do as a doctor does not make me more valuable or more worthy of His love. I do not need to earn His love. And though it was so frustrating at first, He showed me that about myself and freed me from that for a few days. He reminded me that I have other skills and other dimensions. He had other ways that He wanted me to help Him. It doesn't always have to be doctoring.

So I tried really hard to be okay with His plan. Even though the days seemed almost wasted at first...I sat and talked and laughed and hugged the kids of Obunga. I learned some Luo. I let little kids touch my red and white skin for hours. I smiled and held hands. I just sat and let them stare at me. And when I calmed down and stopped fighting the medicine thing, I started to see what He was trying to show me.

He kept telling me, "They don't want your medicine. They just want you. Just love them." And I started to see. These kids were STARVING for love and affection. They needed my hugs and my smiles and my conversation more than they needed me to get rid of their coughs and rashes. Truly. They needed to see and believe that they had value. And even in my staring and my talking, I could show them that they are valuable in the eyes of God. That they are PRECIOUS to Him and to me.

And once I finally saw it His way, I didn't want to do any medicine at all. It seemed so minor, so temporary in comparison. And all I wanted to do was pour love and importance and acceptance and hugs into them for the days that I had. I sought them out. I tried to encourage them. I loved them and remembered them and smiled and laughed with them. And I prayed that in every gesture, every word, they would hear the message underneath. "YOU HAVE VALUE! YOU ARE PRECIOUS! YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD!"

Praise God that He pushes our buttons and pushes us from our comfort zones and refuses to let us remain in one place too long. How wonderful that He loves me enough to let me help Him with His work. How gracious that He loves me enough to continue to show me where I try to earn my salvation, where I try to build up enough 'value points' ... and that He loves me enough to dash those ideas to pieces and show me that He is all that I need...