You are made of finer stuff than I. My humanity was in full force today...which made Your divinity even more obvious. Interesting how it works that way...
When I made the decision to give up dating for Lent, I didn't think that it would really matter. I haven't been asked out on a date in the last 300+ days; there was no one on the horizon with any true potential; so what could 40 days hurt? I figured it was like giving up brussel sprouts. I don't eat them anyway. But God always knows better. I also sort of half hoped that reverse logic would work on God. And that giving up dating would convince Him to bring me someone...but I also knew that I cannot manipulate God that way. I wish I could sometimes...but not really. Because then I would get what I think is best, and not what He knows is best. So, I defer to His timing, His plan, His wisdom...or at least I try to.
So, it completely took me by surprise this week when I DID get asked out. I wasn't expecting that! It was actually by someone that partially sparked the meltdown on Ash Wednesday that led to giving up dating. And now I had to find a way to explain to a nice guy that I can't go to dinner until after Easter - without making it seem like I was avoiding him and without seeming like a nutcase myself.
I kept trying to think of ways to have him wait without explaining the Lent thing. Who gives up dating for Lent anyway? Okay. I admit it. I was embarrassed. Embarrassed to tell him that I had given up dating for Lent. Why? Because I felt like it made me weird. Or made me seem too religious. Or...I don't know exactly. I just didn't want to admit it. And when I realized that I wanted to hide it, I felt bad. I wanted to hide my relationship with God. Maybe not entirely, but in essence that was my problem. I was ashamed to admit I was a Christian - a real, living & breathing Christian, that talks to God and lives my life for Him and does what He tells me to do...even when that makes me different.
So I finally got the guts to tell him today. And he was a little surprised, but he didn't freak out. He didn't tell me I was weird. He didn't hang up on me. He thought it was kind of cool. He also thought that it must mean I go out ALL THE TIME if I decided to give it up for Lent. An amusing and unanticipated interpretation that couldn't be further from the truth.
Maybe this entire Lenten sacrifice was for that moment tonight. Where I stood up for my faith, where I admitted that I was His daughter and that I try to obey Him even if seems silly to others. It was hard for me...and very humbling. I can't even tell people that. How will I speak my faith to those that need to hear it? How could I lay down my life for what I believe in? I have so far to go. My heart is so frail, my humanity so unsightly today.
But in the midst of my frailty, I cling to Your strength. I'm so glad that You are God. I'm so glad that You love me unconditionally; that love has nothing to do with how well I follow Your rules, or how big I mess up, or even if I hide from You. You love me. A LOT. NO MATTER WHAT. And You're not embarrassed for anyone to know that. WOW!!! Help me be more like You.
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